Warning Mature Content! Spoilers! Foul Language!
The following blog post is to introduce myself to Ayanna and Ashlee, 2 staff of Bellevue Clubhouse. Now I have been volunteering since Thanksgiving 2016. 7 months prior I lost a very close friend to suicide who knew me as if I was her nephew. Her name was Alexandra Olson and she was the granddaughter of holocaust survivors! Because Ayanna and Ashlee got to see Quinn’s introduction, I thought I might spruce things up!
High School!
While the Gamble twins brag that they went to Lincoln High, the same high school as Simpsons Creator Matt Groening, can they say they accomplished as much? I was in my student newspaper 4 times, lettered in skiing and spoke on the 3rd Anniversary of 9/11. Now the summer before my junior year, my comedy career took off and during my junior year, my health teacher wanted us to choose a topic which we wanted to do. Originally I was thinking heterochromia iridium. A condition in which someone will have two different irises! I decided on Asperger Syndrome and I opened with a joke, Aspeger’s followed by several mispronunciations and have the class say it correctly. I would then tell them jokingly it’s a Butt sandwich in Austria. While I was our first world culture president, I also did my own comedy show and would graduate with a B grade point average.
My Parents get a divorce!
Now my parents met on April 29th, 1984 at my cousin Janet’s wedding and got married in November 1985. Now for my 18th birthday you’d think I’d do something freeing like buying a carton of cigarettes or something, all I did because my birthday was go out for sushi and got a t-shirt that read “runs with lightsaber!” As both Ayanna and Ashlee have noticed my memory in action, this is their cue to know I have eyesight trouble and am on the Autism Spectrum! I’ve been doing standup since I was 16 and although my jokes can be raunchy I am never afraid to speak my mind! In fact I was the kid who got bullied!
Now I was somewhat lucky when my parents divorced. They were able to remain friends after and it wasn’t the result of a marital affair. My parents were just unhappy and while their arguments took their toll on their mental health, they tried hiding the arguments from my kid brother and I!
Now my younger brother works for NAMI. With that said, my parents more or less let him get away with bad behavior. Now our age gap is I’m 3 years his senior. 3 years is not a big gap and it’s a reasonable age gap but when he was little he would say things like “You’re adopted” to Nazi goose stepping and now at 31 he still acts like he’s in 2nd grade and his own mother puts him on a pedestal. Because he bullied me and took advantage of living with me in college and is just really nasty to everyone, I just call him King Scrotum.
Before we talk about my 20s, I’m going to go over some millennial/gen z FAQs
Do I like anime? Hell yes!
Do I like video games? Occasionally…
Am I a movie buff? Yes!
Have I left the country? Yes!
Do I have any friends online that have made an impact?
Do I think Billie Eilish is great?
Do I like to read?
You bet your ass
Do I enjoy movies?
Damn Skippy
Do I still perform comedy?
Yeah
Is my parents divorce the worst thing to happen to me?
No!
Are we going to cover it?
Yes!
I am Fuzzy, I am a power ranger!
My dog Fuzzy meant everything to me. He was a Pomeranian Chihuahua Mix given to me for my 20th birthday. Now I have to accept the fact that I’ll never be able to drive a car. Although I only had Fuzzy for 11 months, in those 11 months he found his true master and I experienced sibling love. Fuzzy would pass of a seizure and I had to deal with the 5 stages of grief on top of the homework!
Russia and South Carolina join forces to get me back on my feet!
Now with this being the digital age, my comedy has a cult following online. In July 2010, a man named Jerry Roland would pass away from Lung Cancer at 56. He was a heavy smoker and would hide it from his family. He is survived by his daughter Tammy and her fiancé Alex. Tammy’s white and Alex is Black. We’ve been talking on Facebook since summer 2010! Now I’ve been tasked with 3 things 1) Tammy has cerebral palsy and due to her father being dead, I have the honor of walking her down the aisle 2) Make Fish tacos for the wedding (Alexandra Olson considered them my magnum opus) and 3) Do my standup comedy!
August 22, 2010
Now I had a hard time celebrating my 21st birthday because Fuzzy was 2 months dead but the person were about to talk about considers me her best friend and although I wanted to go out with her, I knew it wouldn’t work out the person we’re going to talk about is Katie Elokhina!
Katie lives all the way in Russia and only 3 other members know about her. She has an 8 year old son thus making me an Uncle at 26. The reason why I’m ok with people knowing I’m autistic and legally blind is because media is slowly becoming better at portraying Autistic people and not just the person who’s a nerd or a loner. Cobra Kai’s Eli Moskowitz/Hawk is a great example!
Now even though Katie lives all the way in Russia, we have a lot of the same interests and I agreed to teach her how to make Mexican Food when she arrives. What I’m going to surprise her with, is Jelly Belly jelly beans. During my fall quarter I was applying for a birthright tour. They ask you questions such as
Were you Bar or Bat Mitzvahed
Are you Reform, Conservative or Orthodox Jewish
Is your mom Jewish
Is your dad Jewish
Now I’ve had my fair share of BLTs and Slices of Pepperoni Pizza but Katie was someone I liked in that way and while she’s married, she was single when we met. Although I promised her all these things, I plan to keep these promises. Katie had a hard time speaking in English but she could write fractured English such as the comment she left on Facebook! 3 Days after we became friends, the original blue power ranger (Actor David Yost “Billy” the nerd) would reveal behind the scenes homophobia!
I wish for you to have amazing trip to Israel, Sam 🙂
Birthright!
From December 15-26 I was on my birthright tour. For lack of better words, those 10 days were magic. Although I wouldn’t come back to Seattle until 1 in the morning, I was exhausted. My mom would see Katie as taboo until last year. Now my mom’s biggest pro is the love she gives her two sons but she can be stubborn and set in her ways. One thing I pointed out to her only to get a “good point, son” look on her face was when I said “Mom without The Godfather, all gangster movies would probably look like filthy animal from Home Alone.
Birthright is where Sam Kanter the boy was left behind and Sam Kanter the man returned home. Now I’ve been bullied by other Jewish people, not just my own brother. I’ve been bullied by other people with bipolar disorder but if you learn how to play it up for a laugh, it’s like catching a fly with chopsticks!
All people with Autism are the same! Where the fuck do you think I was born Uranus? You can go to hell, I hear the fried rice is fantastic and I hear they put pineapple in their coleslaw!
Now I was only 16 when I started my standup comedy career and I’m the only one in my family who has the patience of a priest! Now the “All people with Autism are the same” was actually said to me in college. It wasn’t by a student but by a director. Now I don’t get angry or have a loose temper but this caused me to go from 0 to 60 and rightfully so. Now a lot of my bullying was verbal growing up. Now I think the reason why the instructor made this comment is because she was going through a divorce! She was just looking for someone to lash out at and she happened to know that I have Autism and Eyesight trouble and happened to be within a close proximity!
The following 3 people Ayanna and Ashlee will learn about and only one of them is autistic. Now I started this blog in Fall 2013, I post recipes and things like that even movie theories. Since we have a clip from the Karate Kid, if you really think about it Mr. Miyagi needed Daniel just as much as Daniel needed Mr. Miyagi! Daniel needed a dad and Mr. Miyagi needed a son! The following 3 people are invited but we’re saving the best man for last!
Kate “College Katie” F.
Although we’re not related by blood, Katie and I go back to Summer 2009. I was her first and only friend during our college days. Once we started talking she began teasing me about being a nerd. Although she said she had a brain injury and she had to start everything from scratch, the day of her accident October 17, 2003, was just another day of high school for me! She was smoking marijuana and was hit by a car! Katie flew 10 feet in the air
Now when I first met Katie her accident already happened and she actually prevented me from snapping at a student who was lower functioning than me. Now while when I first met her, I thought Katie might be deaf or have cerebral palsy because of the way she talks. Because we’re the other’s bestie, her ex was cheating on her with a younger partner at the time and I playfully punched him before they broke up.
Katie’s favorite foods are Thai and Sushi and I promised her that I would introduce the best man to Thai food after he graduated. Sushi is my forte and although I would like it to be served at clubhouse, I hope it’s a possibility but we might have to use cooked fish!
Now both Katie and I hated our director. Katie basically called her a bitch. Not wanting to sugarcoat anything, I actually took my venom out through script writing and because the last thing the director did before graduating was schedule an alumni pizza dinner on the first night of Passover, was more or less the reason I would refer to her as “The Forever Nazi” in my scripts!
Holy Shit! It’s Prince Aladdin!
Now the joke that won Alex over was, “I was kicked out of rabbinical school for a calamari and jelly belly jelly bean overdose!” Now there are approximately 332 million people in the United States and the craziest thing about Alex and I is we have the EXACT same family dynamic! One of two siblings, got bullied by the sibling and divorced parents. Now Alex isn’t autistic but he showed me in his own way that it’s ok to be both the funniest guy in the room and also the smartest!
Now I met Alex in September 2012 and our friendship took off from there. This was long before JK Rowling revealed she was Transphobic. As much as I still enjoy Harry Potter, you must separate the art from the artist. The plot of Sorcerer/Philosopher’s Stone is the Karate Kid. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is basically Empire Strikes Back with the hidden agenda going, 1-800 I Hate Gay People! Now Harry Potter 5 (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) is just the pilot of power rangers with Antisemitism and since Alex is going to be one of my groomsmen, we need to talk about my best man!
It’s Nelson time!
Now I want to make one thing perfectly clear, the power rangers aren’t my favorite superheroes! How much I know about them is what won Nelson over. Now I met Nelson 1 month before a breakup in college. Nelson had to commute 5 hours from school and back and not once did I ever see him get irritable with another student!
Now King Scrotum was the loudest baby recorded for Swedish Hospital records in 1992 and Nelson was born 6 months later. Now when I was getting to know Nelson, I found out he was born exactly one year before Mighty Morphin Power Rangers premiered. Another student gave him a hard time for being Hispanic. Now Nelson and I agreed never to discuss politics since he’s conservative and I’m liberal. Now even though Nelson’s parents don’t like me, it’s their loss! Now Nelson I’ve made laugh several times, cooked for him several times and he has seen all the stuff I collected and we watched several movies together!
Why do I call Nelson my brother and wish my own brother would stop acting like a 2nd grader?!
Now because of my religious beliefs (Jewish Buddhist) I have to honor the day my dog Fuzzy passed away, (February 11th, 2010) The next day my brother 18. Now I don’t think this is a coincidence, while I’m fortunate to never have had covid, I’m a joke at my own brother’s expense. During Passover I eat lots of Mexican Food or Fried Rice. You can even make Nachos out of Matzoh. Now if my brother actually liked me he’d say, “My older brother’s legally blind autistic and went on to invent Black Friday Mexican Food!” Instead I hear him telling someone over skype and it’s only him and me and I hear “I love my brother but I can’t stand him after 5 minutes.”
Now even though my brother takes everyone in our immediate family for granted. He takes advantage of the fact that I’m the oldest so he can avoid getting into trouble with the parents. He’s snarky to my mom and when my dad moved away to Arizona, I don’t think he ever got over it OR my parents divorce. Now I revealed I spent my 18th birthday getting sushi and getting a t-shirt. Now my birthday can align itself with Passover, now I wouldn’t get Pizza on the years it aligns with it, I have to find a way to celebrate! So what did my brother do for his 18th birthday? I found a dirty magazine in the living room of my dad’s house… the jerkus maximus!
2019!
Now I turned 30 shortly after the Seattle Snowstorm, Throughout Covid and the snowstorm, I felt like I was in prison. I have never been to prison but Nelson always has to send texts like “Hey man, my parents need me so I can’t attend your birthday but I hope it’s a good one.” Now my family knows that Nelson’s a Republican and the agreement we made right from the beginning is we don’t discuss political differences.
Nelson was actually raised in a very sheltered household but one thing I latched onto was his soul. Now in between his classes I would hear him laugh at videos on his tablet and that laughter would crack me up. Now I am a huge movie nut and could tell you a lot of different things about behind the scenes about movies. Now because I have a photographic memory and growing up I looked up to my Uncle Aaron and you’re going to learn about the pact I made with Nelson!
To this day, I think of our snowstorm as Elsa’s Mensural Cycle. While I give Let it go is a good coming out song. Elsa might be our first aromantic asexual Disney character. Since this is Ayanna and Ashlee’s introductory read to me, just because I threw some videos containing videos from Pokemon and Power Rangers doesn’t give you the right to treat me like I’m in elementary school. Power Rangers was one of the saving graces from elementary school, in addition to 4 eyes, I heard Sam has Cancer and it’s all because of how my last name is mispelled!
What was the pact made by Sam and Nelson when Sam was about to graduate?
Now Nelson is the oldest of 4! His sisters have had Quinceneras and he was relieved that I thought his sister was cute. The last thing we did before the pandemic began was dinner and a movie. Now keep in mind when you’re with me, the meal is just as important as the movie. You could enjoy the food and still see a bad movie. You can have bad food and go see a good movie!
Now in January 2012, I started donating blood at the time of this blog’s publishing, I’ve donated 34 times. Now Nelson and I have both been stereotyped by others. Nelson was stereotyped by a student who is an ex best friend and I face stereotypes just by being Jewish from Nelson’s family and people in the street.
Now I met Nelson in May 2012 and once we became the family the other needed I had an idea. We agreed that we would be the best man at the other’s wedding. Now my rule when I get married is the bride doesn’t have to be Jewish, just appreciate the culture. I actually had trouble concentrating in synagogue studying for my Bar Mitzvah. The Junior Rabbi at the time told me, “There isn’t a blessing for The Simpsons, but your compassion for them will be rewarded later in life!” 15 years and 72 laps in the pool later, I came up with The History of The Simpsons on my blog! That Rabbi is who will lead the ceremony during my Wedding!
Now there’s no blessing for Power Rangers either but the day they premiered is Nelson’s birthday. The deal I made Nelson is no matter what happens to the other one, we’re the best man at the other’s wedding. If someone made a YouTube or TikTok video of Nelson and I together, it would be the funniest and most wholesome thing you ever saw. In fact Nelson is a key witness to something I did since I started living on my own!
2014!
During my college days each of us had an internship, Nelson’s was at Yuen Lui Photography and mine was at the Museum of Flight. Now I actually ran into our director 3 times after I graduated and while during my internship I saw How to Train Your Dragon 2 for Father’s Day and I saw Boyhood with my Uncle Aaron that summer. When I told him about knowing Nelson for 2 years he said something like this for rebuttal, “2 years? 2 years! The way you two have bonded, I’d have thought the two of you have known each other since Kindergarten!”
Now everyone knows what happened on August 11, 2014. Robin Williams would pass away. I never met him but my all time favorite movie of his is definitely and without hesitation, Mrs. Doubtfire/ Now not only is it a very funny movie but it also works as a good transgender movie. My mentor, Wayne Daniels is a transgender male and he has seen me hang out with Nelson and the last movie I saw with Nelson before leaving for my Uncle’s was Guardians of the Galaxy 1!
Now I graduated first and I met someone on the way to an arcade named Alexandra Olson. She would be the only person who is of my parents generation who would believe me about my pen pal Katie in Russia, know why Super Sentai is important to me and see the stuff I have apartment as important and also believe me about the abuse I have from my own brother.
2016!
Everyone I know has some sort of 2016 horror story and while I don’t want to dive into politics there are 5 big things to happen that year.
1 My 3 Gallon Donation pin!
Now I have donated blood on a regular basis and have reached the 4 Gallon mark and hope to have Gallon number 5 by the time I’m in my 40a. Now I wasn’t exactly Mr. Popular in college and I broke down and cried because I really wanted people to listen to why blood donations are important. Everyone would freak out and ignore me and I cried during my final. Now I started collecting pins and buttons because while they look beautiful, I use them as a reminder that I had a toxic brother who will hopefully stop putting on his huggies and behave himself like an actual brother! Or not!
2 Hoenn Region Complete!
Now my action figure collection started when I was in 4th grade and right now I have approximately 5k Pieces. There’s a staff named Keenan Solomon who has challenged me to have 10,000 by the time I am a senior citizen. Now I was interviewed about it my freshman year, my brother’s dog tried to nibble out of it sophomore year only to get an “Oh you should have shut your door!” from my parents and used it in comedy my junior year! Now I finished a subsection of the collection in 2016
3 Boys only Deadpool Night and Nelson’s graduation
Now Nelson would graduate 2 years after I did and although he lives in Texas now! The pact still stands because he treated me like family and I do the same. Now one thing I invented was Black Friday Mexican food. I don’t have a single ounce of Hispanic ancestry but my starting style as a cook was Mexican and I studied Spanish in High School!
Now here’s the thing you don’t know about Jewish people, we can detect good or bad Chinese restaurants like bomb sniffing dogs. I can actually make homemade Fried Rice and whip it up easily. Now at this time I would like to recommend a Chinese Restaurant; Spicy Talk Bistro. Spicy Talk is in the Kirkland area and I got Michael Brown to try it. He forgot to text me that he enjoyed it but for newcomers I highly recommend their dry spicy Sichuan Wontons, Singapore Rice Noodles and Sauteed Green Beans!
Now I’ve always been a jokester and I also had a B grade point average in high school. In College I did 10 leadership conferences behind the director’s back because she was a massive bitch and her antisemitism was as obvious as Elton John’s homosexuality! Lion King rocks and that’s how I was introduced to him!
RIP Happy and Alexandra
Nelson lost his dog Happy and I lost Alexandra Olson. Now when I met Nelson, Fuzzy was already 2 years dead. I made sure Nelson got to go through the 5 stages of grief for his dog Happy. Nelson posted on Social Media that his dog Happy would be joined by Fuzzy and I’m sure the two of them have become as thick as thieves. Alexandra’s cause of death was suicide and her age at death was 53
53 is not particularly long life but she never got married but had 2 children. While alive, Alexandra considered my magnum opus to be my fish tacos and this coming from someone who grew up in San Luis Opisbo. Although she got to meet Nelson through a phone call. Now have Nelson and I had conflicts in our friendship, well 2. One was on him and the other was on me! Before we get to that point we have one more 2016 story and the last thing that happened before Covid…
Kevin Conroy comes out!
Kevin Conroy – I know that voice!
Now I got into standup and theater to overcome social anxiety. I really want to be a voice actor for video games and anime, that was one of my dream jobs. I’d also want to host Saturday Night Live and my ideal dream guest would either be Eric Stuart (Brock/James from Pokemon, Gourry from Slayers and Seto Kaiba from Yugioh) now the other guest I had in mind was Ron Wasserman (Musical Composer from 90s X-Men and wrote a lot of music for the power rangers franchiuse)
Now what I wouldn’t learn until shortly before Kevin would pass away to intestine cancer at 66 is that he was gay. My synagogue had gay clerics. In 2002, our junior Rabbi was a recently ordained Rabbi from Minnesota and he was openly gay and he was no older than I am now. He had a summer torah study program and the golden rule at the end of the Torah Study is that if you signed up and attended the majority, you could go to a water park at summer’s end!
Now Kevin’s deep testosterone viral voice could narrate my life and I wanted to write my autobiography and call it Shattering the Ice. Unfortunately it has to be a book. Now I wanted Kevin to voice my dog Fuzzy and what I would want him to do is make him sound so intimidating but also very cutesy! Now most people know about Rabbis when they think of a synagogue but I can’t sing to save my life but there’s also what’s known as a Cantor (Not how my last name is spelled)! A Cantor is someone who will sing Jewish hymns during a service or possibly lead a wedding. The Cantor was someone who helped me grieve when Alexandra first died. Although she’s been dead for 7 years, there’s a flag pin collection in my kitchen to honor Alexandra’s life as well as a picture of the Genie above it since she actually went to the same high school as Robin himself!
Now I never got to meet Kevin Conroy but 66 is absolutely nothing! Kevin was just a few months younger than my mom! Now I never got to meet Kevin Conroy but if I did, I’d be the fan to talk his ear off! That’s how much he meant to me as Batman. Now I’d actually slip him my recipe for something like BBQ Chicken. Now cooking for me is therapy because I’ve come up with so many unique recipes. Now although Nelson and I grew up with the voice of Batman, his husband probably misses him more than anyone!
The last bro time before Covid…
The Covid Vaccine!
Now I don’t have a temper but my father’s temper resulted in my claustrophobia. It also resulted in my brother becoming the bully. Hence why I call him King Scrotum even though I’m the older one. Now Nelson and Alex are aware fully of the drama my brother is capable of causing but he had covid once and if I got it, he’d either A) wouldn’t care or B) be more concerned about losing his favorite punching bag. Nelson’s parents are Lutheran Missionaries. When I received a text that Nelson refused to get it, it was one of the few times I get mad!
Raven!
Now I need to have a dog, I need to continue my collection and do some traveling! Now whenever I think about dogs that are dead, I listen to What a wonderful world by Louis Armstrong. Raven was a mutt and the mix was of an Italian breed named Cane Corso, A Pitbull and a Spanish Ibizan hound. Now Raven was a love dog and while I get along with both of my parents, my mom is the parent who I am more liable to get into an argument with!
Now when Raven was alive there’s what I call her mystery of New Year’s Eve. Neither my mom, my brother or myself know where she was hiding on New Year’s Eve. I was supposed to walk her on New Year’s Eve and normally it’s my tradition to count my action figure collection I started in 4th Grade. Now my 4th grade figurine collection is a blanket about being bullied and if you’ve been paying attention this was one topic I was bullied for!
Now my parents have different stubborn streaks when it comes to certain things and the two biggest two “Mom, you don’t get it!” were The Simpsons and Katie but not the one I went to coillege with! The Simpsons golden years were in the 90s and I wasn’t allowed to watch them growing up, my mom thought they were mean spirited and promoted back talk so my dad just went along with it!
Now Raven passed away on June 27, 2022 and it was the only time I heard my mom in tears through a phone call. The other time I saw her cry was while watching the movie Lion starring Dev Patel!
Now if I haven’t made it clear, my own brother doesn’t like me! His jealousy and ego according to my friend Jay is why he already has male pattern baldness. The reason why I call Nelson my brother is because he interviewed me about going on my birthright tour and when he tried Matzoh Ball soup for the first time you’d think he had been eating it since he was 7.
Now the other thing wasn’t something like doing drugs or a stash of dirty magazines. One of the most important days of my adult life was July 5, 2021. This was the first time I beat my mom at scrabble and this victory is something that means a lot to me because although you learn more with loss than defeat, there are 3 tips I give to people who want to be better at Scrabble 1) Keep Practicing 2) Take up a foreign language and 3) Instead of playing video games for an hour or so, read!
Now during my college days, in my freshman year I had to balance the 5 stages of grief on top of Freshman year homework but this is a case of my mom being overprotective as hell!
The hidden meaning of August 22, 2010!
Now I didn’t feel like celebrating my 21st birthday because my dog Fuzzy was dead. I wouldn’t meet Nelson until May 2012 and while alive my brother called him an alien now that doesn’t bother me because I can expect that from him. The day he died is the day before he turned 18 and when he turned 18, I found a dirty magazine in the living room like it was his driver’s license!
Now I have 3 online friends who made the difference that summer and the first one I met isn’t even American! Now someone in Fort Lauderdale named Anthony “Tony” DeLilis was the first person besides someone in Australia named Lex Louw helped me cope with my parents divorce. Tony’s parents are dead but I keep my out on him, Lex is also legally blind and on the Autism Spectrum and is fully aware of my love life. Now the person who were about to mention could speak English and write it, but speaking it was nerve wracking for her! Her name is Ekaterina “Katie” Elokhina!
Now Billy is the most underrated of the original 6. Now if I had my own radio show, I’d want David and Walter Jones (Zach the original black ranger) to be my first guests. Now my buddy Alex is one of those rare finds because both of us got bullied by one of our siblings and Nelson actually watched me swim 72 laps in one go. Now the reason Katie is so important to me is because I can recommend everything under the sun and one thing I promised her is that when she comes to Seattle is homemade Mexican Food lessons with some complimentary Jelly Belly jelly beans!
Now with my friendship with Alex, he assured me that it’s ok to be the funniest guy in the room and also be one of the smartest. Both of us have divorced parents and he got bullied by a sibling. The difference is he met mine for about 2 minutes and within those 2 minutes, he could witness the abuse! So that’s more or less the reason I call him King Scrotum.
Now my mom and I have gotten into several arguments about Katie and rest assured she is not looking to sneak into the country. What she is looking for is a movie recommendation, an anime etc. Now even though I would have social anxiety at a convention. Now last year in September, I finally got my mom seeing Katie like she was a character from Dragon Ball Z. Possibly the biggest argument we ever got into besides Katie, was her friend Jessie!
Now Katie is very important to me because of being able to discuss things like Super Sentai and Kamen Rider freely because she knows what they are. Now my mom’s motto when it comes to my online community they don’t count but Jessie is a topic for another day. When it comes to what happened next, even Nelson chewed me out on!
Dinner for the Toilet Teletubby!
Now I had an ex girlfriend who actually flirted with Nelson and lied about it! Now for a while I wanted to remain single by choice and because I want to have someone who I can have a good conversation with about anything, they should get to know the real Sam for all my bells and whistles.
Dana Watts is a name that Nelson and I know all too well. Now I want to be perfectly clear, throughout this relationship I was blindsighted. Dana’s a registered soprano, Now I have approximately 300 subscribers on YouTube which isn’t bad for Standup Comedy and even though I’m not the most religious Jew, I do behave appropriate during holidays evn if I don’t always attend services. For example, I wouldn’t eat a Guacamole Bacon Cheeseburger during Passover. I wouldn’t have sex during Yom Kippur! Things of that nature.
Now Dana is an idiot. Now I believe in reincarnation and Fuzzy’s loyalty, ability to agree with me on everything went into Nelson. Now even though Nelson and I survived Dana, for his graduation party we went to a joke shop, went to my Uncle’s and came home brothers. Although I’m not with Dana, she left a trail of breadcrumbs on YouTube and with less than 20 subscribers, the proof is in the pudding or in our cases, Music and Standup!
Here’s Dana’s
Now Dana is very sheltered and while my therapist isn’t Jewish, he thinks the now infamous quote by Dana, “Do Jewish people celebrate thanksgiving?” was said out of innocence. My buddy Jay thinks otherwise. Jay and I met when he was 9 and I was 13. At 16 and 12 and became besties that summer and although Jay is one year Dana’s senior, the antisemitism that Nelson and Dana received growing up manifested itself differently. Dana remains ignorant and Nelson knows that 6 million Jews didn’t disappear off the face of the earth just to go to burger king!
Here is my standup comedy from college
High School!
The 2 weddings that haven’t happened… YET!
Now because of my standup comedy, I DO have a cult following on Facebook and on YouTube and there’s an interracial in South Carolina who demand my presence. The bride is white and the groom is Black! There have been 3 tasks asked of me. The bride’s father is dead, so I have to walk the bride down the aisle (she has cerebral palsy), perform my comedy and make fish tacos.
Now I plan to do the comedy and the fish tacos lake my Autism presentation in high school. Go above and beyond the call of duty. Now I was actually born in Seattle and at the time of this blog’s publishing, it’s going on 8 months since Nelson moved to Texas and yes, I am still grieving but also still standing! My brother and I might have our differences but over the years, Nelson’s proved he’s my actual brother and as for my actual brother, he’s just my parents other son who has a mind like a second grader!
So what other wedding?
Now my synagogue had a summer camp which is how I met my actual best friend who doesn’t want to be mentioned here on Sam’s thoughts but although I would meet Nelson and Alex during college! it feels like I have known them since the two of them and both Katies since we were in preschool! Now summer of 2016 Nelson joined me for my annual trip to my Uncle’s that started in 2008. Why that trip happened? Well all that you need to know is it pertains to a dark day of my life!
Now my Uncle is very important to me and while he sent over Bill Cosby monologues before I started 6th grade, I started writing my own material in high school. Now this March, I started seeing another member and I proposed on the way home from my Uncle’s and got a yes. Now my parents are very protective and more or less have given my brother everything he wanted!
Ability to bully his older brother and not get caught… Check!
Immunity from acting like a second grader and being able to get away with it? Check!
Loudest baby according to hospital records for Swedish hospital records in 1992? Uh… What do you think the answer is?
Now my Uncle is what I call a legacy Uncle. He has a great sense of humor and has always been there for me and while he’s eligible to volunteer for clubhouse, he’s my mom’s older brother and tried to remain neutral when my parents divorce first happened.
Let’s fast forward to February 2024
Now I want to make one thing perfectly clear, my uncle means a lot to me. In his prime once ate 36 slices of pizza in one go! Now my uncle means a lot to me and although Nelson’s move still hurts, what gets me out of bed is the plan I have made for February and knowing that Nelson wouldn’t miss my wedding for anything and what I told him is even though he lives in Texas, escape like a bat out of hell!
Now one thing I told myself no matter who I find, they can pick the cake but Rabbi Latz will lead the ceremony as long as we agree on the food, everything will work out. Now after my Bar Mitzvah, Rabbi Latz insisted I call him by his first name of Michael and Michael’s husband is named Michael but there’s nothing like calling out someone with your name during sex. It brings new meaning to the words, go fuck yourself! That was one of my jokes about sex.
Now I want to be perfectly clear, my younger brother has done all but call me the word retarded. Living with mental illness can be a struggle but because I have people bullying me but with my friends help, I was able to come into my own.
Now on February 3, my girlfriend and I are going to prepare a meatloaf dinner for my mom and say, look we are engaged. Now I told him, that I’d allow my bride to choose the cake. The food would be mutually decided and Rabbi Michael Adam Latz would lead the ceremony. Rabbi Latz was ordained in 2000, was with my synagogue. Now what won Nelson’s friendship over was how much I know about power rangers and it’s older brother show Super Sentai. Now I got into Super Sentai in 2009 as well as its older brother show, Kamen Rider! Now when I get married, Rabbi Latz is going to learn the story of how Nelson and I became brothers from other mothers as well as the love story of my girlfriend and I!
And now for a video with Rabbi Latz some self Q&A that dive deep into my mind!
Now according to you, the Autistic mind can remember things at the drop of a dime! What are some things that you can remember besides high school dances and being in the student newspaper?
We went to see both Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and Return of the King as school field trips! J. R. R. Tolkien’s work is far more diverse than the wizarding world of Harry Potter. Now I wouldn’t kiss Emma Watson unless it was scripted but I do think Daniel Radcliffe while he does seem like a sweet guy, has a napoleon complex like you’d see on a pom. Now Tolkien is far my diverse, if Hogwarts actually existed, Noah and I have agreed that Lord of the Rings must be mandatory for any young witch or wizard! I also spoke on the 3rd anniversary of 9/11
Did you ever have detention in high school? No! My Spanish teacher had a zero tolerance policy for gum. Spit it out, hop in detention!
Were you ever called into the principal’s office? Once in 5th grade for another student stealing my computer and the other time was in 12th grade for leaving a paper for the all night senior night marathon at home and my mom had brought it in!
What did you do for your senior prank? I bought the prom king crown.
College
You talked about Nelson enough to make me think you like him romantically. I don’t! I was vice president and later president of the student mentors! Nelson became like family to me.
Was Nelson your original choice for best man? No, he wasn’t. Originally my choice was someone named Mike Ahlrep. When Alexandra’s death recently happened, Mike expected me to get over it as easily as scraping my knee while riding my bike! His comment of “People die, get over it!” was one of the key ingredients in which lead to our falling out. The straw that broke the camel’s back was whining while in his apartment!
Have Nelson and Alex witnessed your brother’s behavior? Yes!
Why are both Katies so important?
The one during my college days became my sister as she introduced me to my ex. This Katie thought all we have in common is food and having a disability in common but we don’t. Now Katie’s ex cheated on her but I didn’t know it at the time! I playfully punched him!
The other Katie is just a year older than me but I took over as a mentor to her and Nelson and for 12 years my mom acted like she didn’t exist. Now even though Katie’s all the way in another country, I have to keep in mind the language barrier. Katie didn’t necessarily become Fuzzy’s successor but would you be surprised to learn how much we have in common with each other?
Now even though English isn’t Katie in Russia’s native language we both make each other laugh and I was her “funny English teacher” there are certain things that I can do that Katie can’t. Katie’s anemic and ineligible to donate blood. Now just as Nelson’s my younger brother, Katie is my older sister by a year and if she witnessed what I am about to tell you, she’d be angry as I was!
Was I ever bullied in college? Two simple words… Hell Yes!
Now I don’t go to synagogue that often but I always make sure to practice appropriately. Now when I lost Fuzzy it took meeting Katie on social media to calm down. Her and the interracial couple in South Carolina! Now upon returning home, I felt like Sam the boy was left behind and Sam the man returned. I was still the same jokester and standup comic I was meant to be but what should have happened lead to a firing!
Now I’ve had eyesight trouble since infancy and I was told about being Autistic than Asperger Syndrome in 8th grade. Now what I’m about to tell you is pure bigotry! One thing my buddy Jay brought up is that bigot can only apply is if the person making the ableism or inappropriate comment is white!
Now I even faced discrimination with homework but the person who did all these things was the director and the following things she did are all true and even though I love sharing my college story, my ex was president of student council and I went to 10 conferences behind the director’s back!
The “He doesn’t like you!” scene in Star Wars more or less a summary of what happened. Upon returning home from Birthright, the director told me “All people with Autism and Asperger’s are the same!” Now to me that’s like saying all people with German and Polish heritage hate Jewish people naturally. Germany has publicly apologized for the events of World War 2 but Poland hasn’t. Now I want you to keep in mind the director has German ancestry! One of my closest friends with Autism has Polish ancestry and he doesn’t think I’m going to hell! In fact, he’ll keel over laughing every time my Yoda voice is brought up! This was only strike one!
Strike 2 – “Come to main campus or you’re fired from Student Mentors!”
The director told me that I needed to be at main campus as we were going to discuss Rachel’s Challenge!
What the director told me is that if I don’t show up to the event, she’d fire me. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem but the problem was it was Rosh Hashannah, one of the two big ones! My mom said, just go anyway and I did! Even though I was furious. Now I get claustrophobic in a synagogue but attending services in my own way like going to the Y for a workout are my way of being close to our creator! Now I don’t get angry very often but the Autism comment, Rosh Hashannah and what’s about to happen will make someone who isn’t even Jewish be like. Ok you are dead where you stand!
Step 3 – Birth of the Forever Nazi and now it’s up to team Avatar to kick her ass!
Now I want to be clear my favorite comic book from Marvel are Deadpool and Spider-Man. Peter Parker was only about 16 when he was bitten by the Spider and Deadpool is just nuts. Now I think Nickelodeon’s magnum opus show is the Avatar franchise. This is because they didn’t need to rely on fart jokes and what happened next made me want to go into the avatar state!
Now just as I was about to graduate the director scheduled the Pizza dinner during the first night of Passover. Now my birthday may or may not align. My golden rule if it does, find a way to enjoy it. If it doesn’t, fast! Now I can make Matzoh Pizzas easily thanks to my cousin Steve but I also created my own Matzoh Nachos. Now my records in the kitchen are 20 plates of Spaghetti and Meatballs and 20 people for Chicken and Waffles.! Now I ran into the director 3 times after graduation and because of her prejudice, I wrote scripts calling her the Forever Nazi. I even had nightmares where she’d murder me in cold blood. She told everyone it was suicide! The happily ever after version is I got revived by Emma Watson and she thought I was cute. The darker version was that I was dead and the darker ending was my own brother playing Billie Eilish, dumping my valuables over a balcony and joining my director in the murder and someone who’s known me since the summer before 8th grade peeing on my grave and everyone having a party celebrate the fact that I am dead! Now just as it was Aang’s job to stop Firelord Ozai, I now call the director the Forever Nazi because of her German Heritage and ableist comments!
What my future goals are for the future of Bellevue Clubhouse?
Now look cooking is my hobby. Before coming to Bellevue I was a bus boy for a cooking school called Sizzleworks and although that job didn’t work out, I want to continue making lunch and getting more articles written. Cooking is a hobby and I want to learn as many new recipes as humanly possible! For each new recipe, I add some pins!
The Alexandra Olson Memorial Wall!
There’s a flag pin collection in my collection that represent loved ones who I have lost who have died but when you lose someone to suicide, the general mentality I noticed is people often think, “Had I not said that to them last weekend, maybe they wouldn’t have killed themself!” or they often blamed themselves.
Now Alexandra was 12 and 7 years my dad’s and my mom’s junior but she believed me about the abuse from my brother, I was able to talk about Katie (In Russia) freely and she knew that Nelson was my actual brother. According to her my magnum opus was my fish tacos and the one thing requested before death was to go to the synagogue near my house! Now I get severely claustrophobic within the synagogue due to being bullied there. The positive side effect with all the bullying is I’m able to make comebacks!
Now Alexandra told me that my collections are not worthless and that cunt is a title that has to be earned! Now I don’t have a temper but my dad does! Now my parents assumed she was homeless but she wasn’t. When she died, I got support even from friends from high school regarding her death!
What is my greatest accomplishments after college and after covid died down?
Now Nelson doesn’t know I took Martial Arts in high school but one thing he was witness to was me swimming 72 laps! Swimming 72 laps took 2.5 hours which is the same amount of time as The Dark Knight. I woke up at 4 in the morning. Swam 72 laps, went back to my place at 8 and woke up at 1 in the afternoon 2016 is when Nelson and I became brothers because I took him to Archie McPhee and we went to my Uncle’s. The agreement we made when I graduated is no matter what happened, we’re the best man at the other’s wedding.
Now just like Joey in the Yugioh anime whose good luck charm is his Red Eyes Black Dragon, my good luck charm is my four horseshoes. My high school mascot was the mustang and our colors were green and gold and my greatest accomplishment 1 year after covid was finally beating my mom at Scrabble! Now although my parents raised me to be kind and honest, they’re very by the numbers people!
The two weddings that haven’t happened… Yet!
Now we have two weddings to talk about to wrap this up!
Now because of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and my standup comedy I was invited to a wedding in South Carolina! Now even though he died 13 years ago, my dog Fuzzy meant everything to me! 5 months later a man named Jerry Roland would die of Lung Cancer after hiding it from his family. He was only 56! Jerry’s daughter, Tammy and I would talk on Facebook starting summer 2010 and become as thick as thieves! I’ve been asked to do 3 things. Perform Standup Comedy, Walk the bride down the aisle and make fish tacos!
What other wedding?
We’ll get to that in a minute
So Ayanna and Ashlee let’s recap! San is an autistic male who’s 6′ 2″. His pronouns are he/him/his and got his start in standup comedy at the age of 16! Although he was told he was autistic in 8th grade. Spoke on the 3rd anniversary of 9/11 and wants to write a book called shattering the ice. When the debate of Books VS Movies comes about his motto is hell to you all, I like both!
Sam’s parents divorced right after high school and while they were able to remain friends with each other. What’s really scary is that people with Autism are the hardest to employ but Sam keeps trying to get his foot in the door! Sam has a younger brother by 3 years who’s verbally and emotionally abusive who acts like an 8 year old had a baby with Ash’s Charizard before it became obedient! That emotional and verbal abuse caused his brother to develop male pattern baldness thus earning him the moniker of King Scrotum.
In College Sam got a degree for people with disabilities but couldn’t be accommodated for his disabilities. He found his actual brother named Nelson whom he bonded over with what he calls Autism soft topics. Nelson and Sam had Phys ed together and Sam was his freshman mentor. The two of them bonded over movies, food and Nelson brought up the original power rangers from 1993 and Sam explained the origins of power rangers like it was sex ed!
He would Skype with someone in Russia named Katie who would become his best friend on August 22, 2010 and 3 days later the original blue power ranger would come out as gay! Upon graduating he’d run into the director 3 times who tried to take away his sense of humor and what he constantly say for rebuttal is drink your tylenol
What other wedding?
My wedding! Now look even though I’m on the spectrum I have the same desires as anyone else except I’ve had to fight tooth and nail. During College the director didn’t know I was on scholarship for the blind. Now I made an agreement with Nelson besides being best man for each of our weddings, Rabbi Michael Latz would lead my ceremony! He’d also learn how Nelson and I became brothers! (Despite his parents being antisemitic assholes and mine being a divorced Jewish couple from mid-atlantic states)
Now even though I’m out about being bisexual and pansexual, I use them interchangeably depending on the generation of which I am addressing, I didn’t get what I wanted from my immediate family!
I interviewed my cousin Steve about being gay!
https://sambkanter.wordpress.com/2020/04/29/not-the-tallest-guy-on-the-block-a-tale-of-cousins/
Now I take value in my family as my grandpa had 5 sisters and all 6 of them are dead. One of them gave me Prisoner of Azkaban as an 8th grade birthday present and starting high school I got Goblet of Fire and if you’re wondering what my hogwarts house is, I’m Ravenclaw but my dog Fuzzy is a Slytherin. As an April Fool’s joke I would use polyjuice potion and pretend to be Austin St John because Nelson loves a good joke, a good meal and a good movie and coming out to him was the toughest of my friend group. In reality, I got the short end of the stick when it came to my immediate family!
If you haven’t seen heartstopper, I warned you there will be spoilers
Now Nick coming out to mum, was different than the reaction I got from my mom! She outed me to my Uncle Ralph and it was humiliating. She also thought it was Nelson but I don’t find him attractive, not because of the bro code but the person I met when I was in my senior year set the bar pretty high for men. Although he’s religious, he proved the religious are just like you and me!
The Simpsons – Harry Potter goes to Hell!
Now I’m not allowed to mention this person by name, but he’s allowed me to talk about him as an example of same sex attraction. Although he comes from religion, I’m not going to hell for sexual orientation in fact in middle school, I thought Mr. Rogers was gay but he was actually bi. We had Horticulture, English and Political Science senior year before breaking for lunch! For our senior year final we had to manage a banzai tree of which I gave said tree to my mom as a mother’s day present!
My crush on him is like finding a coupon for Trader Joe’s or a haircut in your wallet only to find it expired a week ago. Growing up Harry Potter, Star Wars, The Batman Cartoon starring Kevin Conroy and Pokémon were perfectly fine! What wasn’t appropriate were The Simpsons and Power Rangers. The former was also banned in my house growing up and the latter is how I won someone over on my birthright tour and I impressed Nelson by how much I knew!
Coming out to my Dad
Heartstopper – Nick coming out to Dad
Now with my mom, she put pressure on me to find out who it was! Now I got angry with her and rightfully so. Now I have one cousin who’s gender fluid and they don’t use their first name anymore. Now amongst my first cousins I’m 3rd of 8 grandchildren. On my dad’s side I’m the oldest of four siblings. When I told my dad, he shouted at me telling me that he didn’t care. If I was gay, i’d be bearding my girlfriend. Now even though I thought I was straight for years, I was pressured into having sex with my last girlfriend before covid and she tried to alienate me from friends!
My dad while well intentioned is a bit of a hypocrite. He’s from New York and if I swear it him, he loses it! Now I don’t get angry very often. Bisexuality is NOT a stepping stone to being gay. In fact my dad’s experienced homophobic comments by one of my mom’s friends!
What about your brother?
Now I want to make one thing perfectly clear, my brother was the tattletale as a little kid and when my parents divorce was recently fresh, he cut ties with my mom. Now I had to live with him for 8 months during college and both Nelson and my friend Alex had noticed abusive behavior. Now my brother is both verbally and emotionally. In 2018, my dad had to move to Arizona and due to his maturity my brother was upset. With my phone I get free Netflix, my dad lets me use his Paramount+ account and I mainly use it to watch Star Trek and next year I plan to watch the 2012 teenage mutant ninja turtles. Now I wouldn’t even tell my brother if I was bribed. My brother wouldn’t even care if I got the Nobel Prize, won a cooking competition etc! Now every bully has something they don’t like about themselves and my brother’s overweight. They also have an enabler. My brother’s enabler is my mom. Growing up, my parents let my brother get away Scott free. Now my friend Jay believes that karma got to him and that’s why he went bald early and because of all the emotional and verbal abuse and the fact I heard him say to someone on Skype, “I love my brother but I can’t stand him after 5 minutes” and a scar on my left hand as a result of a kitchen from Assault and Battery, he’s called King Scrotum!
Coming out to Nelson and both Katies
Nelson!
Now I want you to keep this in mind, Nelson’s a registered Republican with closed minded parents! Jason was his big time hero as a kid. Although I wouldn’t meet him until May 2012, Nelson and I have a brotherly bond. We are both aware that David Yost (Billy) was experiencing homophobia Nelson’s other friend, Ben was the other Jewish student. Even from the day I met him, I had 0 attraction to him!
Now another student was jealous of him and thought he “talked funny.” How did I tell him at the time that he’s Hispanic! Now I came out to myself 3 months into covid and Nelson thought it must have been a joke but I knew I had to because, I didn’t want anything to hold anything back. Now I DID see Nelson for his birthday and so far the only conflicts in our friendship as said before are my ex Dana and the covid vaccine.
Telling Nelson was basically the equivalent of pulling teeth. Eventually you have to tell your true brother. Now the way I use my Judaism for Nelson is through food and explaining the holidays by watching Keeping the Faith. When Nelson had Matzoh Ball Soup for the first time, you’d think he’d been eating it since he was 7!
Coming out to Katie from College!
Now Katie signed my journal, “Best friend forever!” we agreed that the director of my degree was a shmuck! Now Katie wasn’t born with her brain injury, she acquired it while smoking marijuana and was hit by a car. She told me that if she were born male, odds are she’d be gay. Now Katie has two older sisters named Jona and Lindsay. Her accident left her with slurred speech as you saw in the video so when she said “Jona”, I thought she said “Donna” although she set me up with my ex, Katie puts me in my place when needed, laughed at my jokes and was always there for me and for the other Katie I was always there for her!
Telling the Katie in Russia
Now despite me being one year her senior, I was Katie’s mentor and we discussed everything 8 ways to Sunday! I only met her online 6 months after my dog Fuzzy died! 3 days later David Yost would come out. Now my dad has anger problems and he also happens to be in his early 70s. He can also be assuaged if you provide reasonable evidence. So I did a power point and said, “Look the only 3 people I can talk about Japanese superheroes with Nelson, someone in Australia and Katie!” Dad got the picture and eventually was, “Ok I get the picture Now I understand.”
My mom is a lot harder to get along with and everything has to be black and white!
Now when they were married, my dad never taught her how to do power point. My mom while a kind sole is the first person to spoil the ending of Empire Strikes Back or Wrath of Khan! Although I taught her how to use power point, it was difficult because she’s very black and white and by the numbers when it comes to her thinking! That and she can be very impatient!
While if Katie were American she told me she’d be a registered Democrat and while she is Fuzzy’s successor in the friendship department, that friendship is not without controversy! Now all Katie wants at the end of the day is to talk about Food and Entertainment with her best friend, (Me!) but my mom would act like she’s smuggling into the country, so I had to show her a shortened version of David Yost’s interview from 2010!
Katie is one of my online friends I wanted to go out with but I obviously knew it wouldn’t work out. Although she got married in 2013, her husband’s a lucky man and she told me that she wouldn’t have married him without taking my feelings into account. Katie and someone from my Synagogue’s summer camp were the two people said to me more or less, nothing will change you! Now my mom is slowly easing to my online crowd.
Coming out to my mentor!
Now my mentor’s name is Wayne Daniels and I met him when my parents were recently divorced. He would spend a few minutes to talk to me as I was checking out library items. Wayne is also on the autism spectrum and he’s also transgender male. Wayne is originally from Tennessee.
Why is that figurine collection important as an adult?
Now If you haven’t read the Robert Langdon books by Dan Brown he uses them as a reminder to stay young. My figurine collection is one of the things I do to remind myself that I survived bullying from elementary school to college. Now I was challenged to have 10,000 of them by the time I’m a senior citizen!
What’s your plan after you get married?
Write a memoir and have it become a movie
What’s your biggest plans for 2024?
Well on Sam’s thoughts I have different History of… I did History of Digimon, Power Rangers and thanks to Rabbi Latz I cover The Simpsons season by season. Yugioh GX will be covered. I will also be making meals from my Avatar the Last Airbender cookbook and that’s just a little bit about me!
Sam's Thoughts 