April 7, 1992
Now that we’re on Chapter 7, I still want you guys to remember that this is a fan fiction and it’s not for Children!
Dumbledore’s office with Snape and Petunia present
“Harry, you must understand. Lily and James protecting you, you should be so fortunate to have a sister to look out for you! I watched my own sister die as a young man.” Dumbledore said.
“Shut the fuck up Grandpa” I sad to Dumbledore with a shit eating grin “I know you like it in the rear.” So go do it with Caesar Romero! Snape looked like I just broke my nintendo and gave him a concussion!
“We are trying to keep you safe from Voldemort, Mr. Potter!” Snape said.
“What the hell is a voldemort? Some sort of genital wart?” I sad.
McGonagall came up drinking what looked like a staircase drinking a Starbucks, “Voldemort is responsible for the death of your parents on Halloween 1981, Dumbledore found you at your parents and made sure you went safely to you your aunt Petunia’s in Boston!” Professor McGonagall said.
“Oh for fuck’s sake!” I said, “How many times do I have to tell you shitheads? I’m from Seattle!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. “You withheld my own parents names from me until now and tell me them? All you care about are your g-d damn paychecks! Snape, I bet Dumbledore’s keeping you around since you clearly just have the hots for my mom!
“Harry, we talked about your language problem.” Aunt Petunia said. She then let out a scream. “Get that damn rat out of here!” she said. Aunt Petunia checked her skirt for feces. “Whoever owns that rat is so fucking dead! I hate rats!” Ron Weasley looked up, The Hufflepuff robes were only matched by his red hair.
“I’m so sorry ma’am!” he said. “Scabbers likes to run off. Mum and Dad gave him to me as this is my first year at Hogwarts.”
“What the hell are you doing in Dumbledore’s office anyway?” I asked. Aunt Petunia gave me a stern look.
“Look Harry, my dad’s fascinated by muggles and you happen to be raised by them.” he said
“What’s your point?” I sneered
“Look Harry there’s a few different types of wizards at Hogwarts and Muggles don’t have magic, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad. There’s pureblood families like the Malfoys and they think just because they’re wealthy and own a house elf doesn’t mean anything. If you wanted to free it, just give it some clothing!”
I continued to look and listen to Ron. “Then there’s half-bloods. They have one Muggle born or Muggle parent. Professor Dumbledore’s a half-blood. Then there’s Muggle Borns. Like Moaning Myrtle who haunts the girl’s bathroom on the third floor! “I heard a mudblood was the inventor of Black Friday Mexican food!” I said. Ron stuck his middle finger at me, “Consider that a warning Harry Potter! That’s as bad as calling a Jewish person a-” Anthony Goldstein was walking by “You were going to call me that, weren’t you Weasley?” Anthony pulled out his wand and cast a non verbal spell and it began to look like Ron was growing breasts, “Whoa… Looks like Ron is really a Rhonda.”
“Very amusing but very sexist Mr. Goldstein.” Dumbledore said. I just realized that Anthony and I were friends at my elementary school, Ben Rush. Dumbledore deducted 20 points from Ravenclaw. Anthony gave Dumbledore the finger but got off Scott Free
June 9, 1992
“Jesus, Harry.” Draco said, “When the hell is Dad coming to get us?” Draco said.
I shrugged my shoulder and offered Draco a Reese’s peanut butter cup. “Don’t tell your dad, but I have plenty of Muggle candy.” I said. I cleaned my glasses. “Do you want to see the Mariners game with me this summer?” I asked. We were playing the Detroit tigers
“Mariners, Harry?” Draco said, “Why would I want to visit Seattle to see a bunch of muggle sailors unless you think I’m gay!” he said.
“Draco, they’re a baseball team you dolt!” I said
Dobby appeared
“Young master and Harry Potter must come immediately. Lucius got lost! Master Lucius is a very talented wizard but he doesn’t have the thing that muggles have that but he desperately wants one.
“A Car.” I said being very deadpan. “If wizardry is so damn amazing, how come none of you have had driver’s licenses?” I asked Dobby
“Dobby does not know sir.” Dobby said
“This Mariners game should be quite fascinating, Harry.” Draco said.
Draco and I had to babysit my stepcousins Sam and Dan again. Even though Dan is a toddler, the author of this fan fiction’s friend Jay thinks that the way an actor named Daniel Radcliffe talks, he just wants to punch him and the author of this fan fiction finds this amusing and agrees.
“If they make a movie about Hawee, I’m going to be him!” Dan said. “Are you hunting Wabbits, Elmer Fudd?” Sam said for rebuttal. I just put on The Simpsons. What Aunt Petunia doesn’t know is I put The Simpsons on to pacify Sam but Dan insists on watching this show that we saw in Japan!
July 28, 1992
“Young Master and Harry Potter must get ready to go to the Mariners game today!” Dobby said
“Dobby for fuck’s sake, it’s 3 in the fucking morning!” I said. I gave Dobby a Red Sox cap and told him to sneak us a bunch of food.
“Shit! Do you realize what you just did? You freed a house elf by giving them clothing!” Draco said.
“Thanks for the hat dude!” Dobby said. “Is this a yarmulke?” he said
“No it’s a Baseball cap.” I said
“Right on!” Dobby said. “Not to worry bros, I got you covered in terms of food for the game against the Sox! Dobby snapped his fingers
“Oh g-d dammit!” I said
“Harry what’s wrong?” Dobby’s going to annoy the hell out of everyone at the Mariner’s Game as Fran Drescher!
“Harry honey would you rather I went as Christopher Walken?” Dobby said in disguise. I told him it was fine and changed into my lucky sports Jersey.
“Harry, did you let Dan and Sam watch The Simpsons again?” Step Uncle Howard said
“Maybe!”
July 31, 1992
“Harry, there’s something important we need to discuss now that you’re 12.” Aunt Petunia said.
“Let me guess,” I said. “I’m adopted. My parents aren’t really Lily and James.”
Aunt Petunia and Step Uncle Howard shook their heads
“You’ve got a godfather named Sirius Black, dude!” Dobby Said
I shouted what the hell at the top of my lungs
Author’s note: I always found Dobby and house elves in general to be one of the more red flags of the Harry Potter books. My buddy Jay has compared Dobby to the likes of Jar Jar Binks.
Now Jay also pointed out the way Daniel Radcliffe talks and it’s not just his accent, makes Jay want to punch him. Now if Jay did punch Daniel Radcliffe, he could easily press charges! I happen to agree with him. Had I been cast as Harry I would have been far more humble! Now according to the books, I would probably spend a lot of time in the Hospital Wing due to cat allergies.
Now Jay and I agree that the plot of the first book is more or less the plot of Karate Kid. The books don’t shy away from the fact that Harry was bad at his homework. Now I always didn’t like doing homework for college, elementary school, middle school or high school and I always looked forward to Saturday Morning and my synagogue did Sunday School and that’s how I studied for my Bar Mitzvah!
Now Jay and another person I’m not allowed to mention on Sam’s thoughts have known me since summer 2002 but Jay thought I was already 17 when he was 9 but the reason Harry Potter and the 7 years of Bullshit is because the only book where Aunt Petunia defends Harry is the 5th book.
Now JK Rowling is 58 and her outburst 3 years ago was one of the rare times I got angry and the reason I was angry is because my aunt gave me two of the books but passed away in 2018.
Now I have good relationships with my cousins and I started Sam’s thoughts so I could be myself. Because 7 years of Bullshit has a different end game. Voldemort is important but I based Harry off my brother and Daniel LaRusso for this version because even though Harry is 17 by the time we get to Deathly Hallows, he still acts like an 8 year old!
Now one of the books I read this year was Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality which is by an Orthodox Jewish computer Scientist and the Orthodox will not acknowledge the reform movement. Now I am reform-jewish buddhist and even though this is fan fiction, mine is made to show the stuff I think doesn’t make sense!
Next Chapter: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me I have godfather?
Sam's Thoughts 