Tales from the Pokedex Volume 1: Kanto

Welcome my friends to the first volume of tales from the Pokedex.

One thing I forgot to mention in my introduction is that I will be including Pokedex entries from the anime. For this volume, we’ll only be looking at the original 151 Pokemon.

BulbasaurBulbasaur’s anime entry tells us that researchers don’t know whether to classify it as a plant or animal. If this is the case, then why are you giving it to beginning trainers?!

CharmanderAgain we delve into the anime with Charmander saying that if the flame on Charmander’s tail saying that if it ever goes out, Charmander will die. That’s pretty grim. You know, for kids!

WartortleDid you know that Wartortle is practically immortal? Apparently its tail is a symbol of 10,000 years. If a Wartortle’s shell has Algae on it, then that’s a sign that it’s pretty old.

BlastoiseBlastoise according to Pokemon Yellow, once it takes shot of it’s enemy it doesn’t miss and has more power than a fire hose.

CaterpieCaterpie has quite the large appetite apparently it releases an odor from it’s antennae, gross!

 

WeedleApparently Weedle has an acute sense of smell it can distinguish the foods it likes with its nose

beedrillBeedrill doesn’t have any weird things about it in the Pokedex but I want to point out its height. Beedrill is 3′ 3″. Now to us that might seem like no big deal but imagine you’re Verne Troyer. This thing is barely bigger than him so if he saw one up close, well… let’s hope he’s not afraid of bees.

PidgeotPidgeot’s Height is a little ridiculous standing at 4′ 11″ while it could possibly carry a 10 year old, there’s no way it could carry a full grown adult. RattataFirst I’d like to point out the pokedex entry from the anime.

Ouch Ash! Would you like some sunscreen to go with that burn? Anyway Ultra Sun’s Pokedex claims that its incisors grow throughout its life and if they get too big, it dies. It also can live in dirty places without caring.

RaticateRaticate’s moon entry says that if you get too close to it, it will bite your hand off. Ouch!

EkansEkans is a snake that’s apparently 6′ 7″ and it likes to eat Pidgey and Spearow eggs. Talk about crazy. Eating an egg before they had a chance to make it. Now the question remains, do they like them hard boiled or sunny side up?

PikachuEven are beloved mascot isn’t safe. If they gather together in a group, they can create lightning storms and if it you yank its tail it will try to bite you. Ouch!

RaichuRaichu was the first figurine I ever got as a kid. Apparently according to the anime it can knock a Dragonite out with its electricity. Apparently if it stores enough electricity, it can glow in the dark. That would be handy at night.

NidoranFYou’d better watch out for Female Nidoran, just a small amount of its poison could kill you

NidoqueenNidoqueen is only 4′ 3″ which is barely bigger than a 10 year old

NidokingNidoking is short at only 4′ 7″. Its horn contains venom so be careful and apparently a swing of its tail can knock down a phone line.

ClefableClefable has a butt that looks like a cinnamon bun with wings. Just putting that out there. Just saying!

NinetalesNinetales’ entries talk about how touching one of its tails can result in a thousand year curse. Oh boy…

jigglypuffAh Jigglypuff, the Diva of the Pokemon Universe? What can we say about her? Oh yes. Ultra Moon states that depending on the region the Jigglypuff is from, its song sounds differently. Some even sound like they’re shouting.

 

WigglytuffWigglytuff is normally 3′ 3″ but it can inflate itself to be 20 times that. Talk about ego complexes. Jeez!

ZubatYou think you have sensitive skin? Well be thankful you’re not Zubat. Zubat will apparently burn if they’re even touched by sunlight.

GolbatGolbat is 5′ 3″ which is pretty big and can drain 10 ounces of blood in one go.

Parasect artwork by Ken SugimoriApparently the mushroom is controlling parasect taking over its mind and body. I already don’t like Mushrooms to begin with but damn!

Venomoth artwork by Ken SugimoriVenomoth’s scales are toxic if they contact your skin. Let’s see you put Windex on that!

Diglett artwork by Ken SugimoriDiglett is another Pokemon with sensitive skin. Just a small amount of exposure to the sun will make its blood thin

Persian artwork by Ken SugimoriThe Jewel in Persian’s forehead is admired by many to the point of being hunted

Primeape artwork by Ken SugimoriPrimeape is Always angry even when inside its Poke Ball. Apparently it never stops being angry. Even if it won the lottery.

Growlithe artwork by Ken SugimoriAh Growlithe, it’s very friendly to other humans but if it comes up against a rockruff then it’s not so nice.

Kadabra artwork by Ken SugimoriKadabra is just plain nuts. Apparently according to Fire Red, One day a child just woke up and became a Kadabra. Uh oh. Somebody file a missing child report.

Machop artwork by Ken SugimoriMachop is plain messed up. Because even though it’s the size of a small child, it can toss 100 fully grown adults. Now that’s just messed up.

Machamp artwork by Ken SugimoriMachamp can do 1000 punches in 2 seconds and even send a train flying. That’s absolutely crazy.

 

Bellsprout artwork by Ken SugimoriBellsprout can apparently spit a corrosive acid from its mouth that can even melt Iron. Tony Stark, feel the wrath of the flowers.

Weepinbell artwork by Ken SugimoriWeepinbell’s design alone is rather questionable but add to the fact it immobilizes opponents with Poison Powder and finishes them off with Acid

Victreebel artwork by Ken SugimoriVictrebel is even worse. It lures its prey in with a honey smell into the jungle and then it swallows them bones and all

Tentacruel artwork by Ken SugimoriTentacruel has 80 tentacles and it uses all of them to poison its opponent.

Slowpoke artwork by Ken SugimoriSlowpoke tails are a key ingredient in Pokemon cooking. Apparently they come off rather easily.

Seel artwork by Ken SugimoriEven the pokedex doesn’t have all the answers. Seel prefer cold arctic waters. So what the hell are they doing in Alola? No one knows. Not even the Pokedex. Maybe they’re just here on vacation.

Grimer artwork by Ken SugimoriGrimer is born from Polluted Sludge and it loves to eat anything rotten.

Muk artwork by Ken SugimoriOh Muk walking by a tree and a plant can cause it to wither and die

Cloyster artwork by Ken SugimoriCloyster has been known to eat slowpoke tails. It will even come up onto land to just eat them.

Haunter artwork by Ken SugimoriHaunter can cause endless shuddering just by touching you.

Gengar artwork by Ken SugimoriYou know how messed up Gengar is? It can even pretend to be your shadow.

Hypno artwork by Ken SugimoriHypno plain and simple is a pedophile. Fire Red talks about it taking away a hypnotized child. Although in Alola it doesn’t bother people.

Exeggcute artwork by Ken SugimoriEven the Pokedex doesn’t know whether Exeggcute is seeds or eggs. To be honest I don’t care since I don’t care for this Pokemon. While I don’t hate it let’s discuss its evolved form

Exeggutor artwork by Ken SugimoriA normal Exeggutor is 6′ 7″ but its Alolan form is just plain ridiculous. How ridiculous? Alolan Exeggutor artwork by Ken SugimoriThis answer your question. Standing at 35″ 9′ tall

 

 

Cubone artwork by Ken SugimoriNot only is it heartbreaking that Cubone wears the skull of its deceased mother, Its prototype name was Orphan.

 

Lickitung artwork by Ken SugimoriLickitung was my favorite Pokemon as a kid. It uses its tongue to clean itself. Whether it’s clean or not is well questionable.

Rhyhorn artwork by Ken SugimoriRhyhorn’s Pokedex entries talk about powerful tackles. There’s a problem though, Rhyhorn doesn’t learn tackle.

Rhydon artwork by Ken SugimoriAnd now for some more anime BS…

How does this add up? Rhydon is part ground! Electric attacks don’t do zip.

Chansey artwork by Ken SugimoriApparently Chansey Eggs are delicious. Somebody get me one I need to make some hard boiled eggs

Tangela artwork by Ken SugimoriAccording to this, Tangela is known to be ticklish. I’m sorry but that’s kinda disturbing. The reason I find it disturbing is you’re tickling a bunch of vines

Staryu artwork by Ken SugimoriAccording to the anime, Staryu’s Jewel comes in seven colors and is valued to others as a type of jewelry. Plus there was the BS of washing stun spore off in water. That makes no sense.

Starmie artwork by Ken SugimoriStarmie is actually one of my favorite Pokemon but the fact that these guys are considered space invaders is just a little bizarre.

Mr. Mime artwork by Ken SugimoriMr. Mime is just plain creepy. Anything it pantomimes can become real. It also slaps people if it interrupts the mime work it does.

Scyther artwork by Ken SugimoriScyther is about 5 feet tall which is a bit much don’t you think? Considering it’s a bug

Electabuzz artwork by Ken SugimoriElectabuzz has been known to cause power outages by eating electricity at power plants. Ouch

Magmar artwork by Ken SugimoriI’d hate to be near a magmar while it has allergies. If it sneezes, flames shoot out!

Magikarp artwork by Ken SugimoriMagikarp doesn’t have anything bizarre about it except that it can splash over a full mountain and become a Gyrados which I only bring up to inspire.

 

Gyarados artwork by Ken SugimoriGyrados is a whopping 21′ Tall and is known for its rampages.

Eevee artwork by Ken SugimoriEevee is my all time favorite Pokemon. Although it says its genetic makeup is unstable.

Kabutops artwork by Ken SugimoriApparently Kabutops likes to drink body fluids which honestly is kinda disgusting

and last but not least.

Snorlax artwork by Ken SugimoriSnorlax weighs 1014 pounds. It sleeps for most of the day.

This concludes the Kanto section of Tales from the Pokedex. Join us next time as we dive into the fascinating world of Johto. See you guys next time…

 

 

Tales from the Pokedex Volume 1: Kanto

Introduction to tales from the Pokedex

Pokedex

The Pokedex. A mysterious encyclopedia given to every starting trainer on their journey. For this blog series of entries I’ll be looking at the funny, the uplifting, the scary and everything that I deem flat out insane. These Pokedex entries talk about the bizarre nature of the Pokemon World. As a Pokemon fan, it makes me glad that some of these critters aren’t real. When will the first entry be published? Expect to see it sometime in January.

I want to make one thing clear. Take this blog series with a grain of salt. It’s just meant to be fun. So don’t take this way too seriously. Some might be no surprise but others will throw you for a loop. So get ready come this January as we dive into the originals…

 

Introduction to tales from the Pokedex

Happy Birthday Pokemon

Well with that joke out of the way today we’re here to celebrate 20 years of Pokemon. First I think Sun and Moon are great choices for the titles and I plan to go into my least and most favorite of every type. Let’s set some ground rules, I can do an entire line or just one stage from a line. I also want to set another two boundaries. No Eeveelutions and No Legendaries. I’ll save my legendaries for when Pokemon is old enough to get a drink. With me being an optimist I’ll show you the type and then the Best and then the Worst. Also if it’s a dual type, it’s open to BOTH lists. Since this is Pokemon’s Big 2-0 we’ll talk more about starters in the next blog and we’ll also talk about my love for Eevee in another blog. This blog might get a little language out of me but, I want to remind you my dear sweet reader that these are my OPINIONS not FACTS. There are two Poke Tubers who I talk to, Matthew Azevedo and Ace Trainer Liam. Liam’s biggest gripe is there’s no more aggressive rivals anymore and since Liam and I talk sometimes I actually want to swim the English Channel in England. I’d pack a wet suit, some clothes and whip up some Enchiladas for the guy and have him sign the Pokedex I was given in college because

Normal

Normal and Water make up most of the types in the Pokemon mythos. So let’s start with Normal:

BEST NORMAL

The Stoutland line: As a Lilipup, It’s just so adorable and doesn’t seem like much But you just love it for how cute and it has that look like it just wants to be your friend. Of course if Pokemon were pets I’d keep it as a lilipup. I’d name it Jacques after the Terrier from Lady and the Tramp. Herdier actually looks like the aforementioned namesale kind of.  Terriers on the whole aren’t my favorite breed of Dog but I can see why some people might find them appealing. Herdier is the right combination of Cute and Cool. Although Herdier doesn’t has as awesome a mustache as as Stoutland. Does anybody else think of Ned Flanders whenever they see a stoutland? I mean can’t you picture it?

WORST NORMAL

LickilickyLickilicky: Oh good g-d! Some of the Gen IV Evolutions were so awesome. Electivire was a badass, Weavile was perfect bit Lickilicky and Rhyperior are so stupid. Rhyperior is just a failed power rangers zord and at least Lickilicky provides its trainer with good wifi. All kidding aside when I was little Lickitung was one of my favorites. I’m not saying this as a matter of ego or narcissism, It’s just a step backwards. When I was little I came across a fakemon called slurpaburp. That was a better evolution. Lickilicky lacks one thing Imagination! Just slap an eviolite and call it good. That having been said I need one for my figure collection. Stoutland line too.

Grass

The Grass type for me is always about setting traps and reeling your opponent in then knocking them fast and hard with moves like Sludge Bomb or Giga Drain. Personally I thought the water type would be the healing type.

BEST GRASS

My love for this guys is primarily due to the anime. Well for Victrebel being based on the Venus Fly Trap is just awesome and he’s the original who’d try to eat James. When Cacnea would come after James it felt more like a 5 year old who wouldn’t live Daddy and When Carnivine did it, it was more of a rehash. Victrebel made James feel like Walter Jones or Luke Skywalker, he was bound to lose an appendage. and of course there’s the infamou Ledyba Episode https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZlIcJbbm08. Since Monday is leap day I’ll do a list of Pokemon I want to say based off of things. As for what I think of Bellsprout and Weepinbell, Bellsprout is innocent enough but Weepinbell looks like a condom. WELL IT DOES!! Best to use Giga Drain to get rid of that nasty herpes.

WORST GRASS

Tangrowth LineIt’s Pad Thai! It’s Chow Mein! It’s the Mario Brothers! Ok, honestly it’s kinda weak design. Even at 9, I thought a pile of vines was kind of weak.  But if you like it, good for you. I don’t like it because it’s just a pile of vines. On top of that It’s sentient. Tropius almost made it but then I remembered why I liked it. I bet someone at Game Freak was just hungry for Udon. Someone was hungry and wanted to make a Pokemon on an empty stomach

Fire

The Fire Type feels the most intimidating and seems like the type that should not be used under rash circumstances and also, I had an idea for Mega Rapidash. Fire/Fairy Typing and it gets an increase in speed, attack and special attack it gets the ability air glide and levitate. Air Glide I made up and it can’t be hit by Flying Attacks. Its Hidden ability is Volt Absorb as to counter Zebstrika’s attacks due to the horn. With that out of the way let’s get our Oscar and Razzie

BEST FIRE

We have a Tie! Magby’s like a cute little baby duck with a Jewfro, Magby is a bigger duck and Magmortar is a Bounty hunter Duck with Cannons for Arms. Like my good buddy Ace Trainer Liam, I don’t get the whole Pokemon and Clothing thing. Somebody please tell me, why Magby has a collar? That and Its Japanese names bring out a laugh when I feel like being Immature. Arcanine’s reasons are more sentimental. I love dog based Pokemon. When I was little I had a yellow lab named Wizard. I was skeptical of Wizard until one day I was home sick. Wizard brought me the remote and watched Power Rangers in Space with me. After watching the show he stayed by my side until I fell asleep. Ever since that day I imagined Wizard as a trusty Arcanine. Arcanine to me is a Pokemon I wouldn’t mind having as an anxiety dog.

WORST FIRE

TorkoalMore Specifically Ash’s Torkoal. It’s not because it’s a lot like Bowser, It seems to be over the top. I can think of another over the top turtle from my childhood. One Over the top turtle! While its white smoke ability is handy its lackluster stats make it decent. It needs to go Mega. Ok this is the 2nd worst, I just wanted to mention Tor. It’s who Torkoal makes me think of… The actual worst is DarumakaDarumaka. I used to think this little guy was cute and innocent but then I looked at its Pokedex entries “Darumaka’s droppings are hot, so people used to put them in their clothes to keep themselves warm.” Pokemon White That’s Nasty!

Water

Water gets the silver medal for my favorite type. As a swimmer, I always dream of going to England and swimming the English Channel. It’d be fun.

BEST WATER

LaprasLapras is perfection. It doesn’t need a pre evolution, It doesn’t need to evolve, it doesn’t need a mega. It’s just stunning. My love for Lapras is because I want to travel the world and I would love to swim the english channel. The Orange Islands was a great little anime because Ash caught some pretty cool Pokemon and actually. Viva Las Lapras was a much better send off than Bye Bye Butterfee not that Bye Bye Butterfree is bad, Viva las Lapras is better in execution plus we see Lapras in Johto

WORST WATER

JellicentJellicent just feels like a walking, er swimming pringles commercial. I know that’s just the males but the Females seem over sexualized to me. I like breasts as much as the next guy but come on. Nostalgia Critic said it best. All kidding aside this is kind of appropriate in cartoons satirizing kids cartoons not the other way around.

The other worst one is Magikarp. This is not because Magikarp is weak, it’s because of the Magikarp Salesman. Eric Stuart’s voice acting made him sound like he was Latino/Hispanic. It’s hilarious Eric Stuart Magikarp Salesman

Rock Type

Rock Types to me are incredibly boring plus there’s no 100% Accuracy Rock Attack. But there are some that are interesting to me. I didn’t want to put any fossils but I will briefly sum up my opinions. Omanyte and Omastar are So-So. Kabuto and Kabutops are so badass. Aerodactyl is awesome plus its mega evolution give its facial hair. Lileep and Cradily are pretty unique as it’s the only Grass and Rock. Armaldo is actually one of my favorite Pokemon and Anorith just makes me want Sushi. As for Tirtouga, Archen, Carracosta Archen and Archeops, Archeops almost made the cut for worst but there’s one that made it worst slot which made Archeops escape.

BEST ROCK TYPE

OnixMy love for Onix goes back to grade school. Seeing Ash’s first battle against Brock made me want to be just as tall and intimidating as that Onix. Sam, what did you think of Brock being voiced by Johnny Yong Bosch in Origins. Here’s my answer: Adam as Brock while Adam might be my favorite power ranger, Johnny Yong Bosch is a talented Martial Artist but a lousy actor. Sorry Johnny, Eric Stuart will always be the true voice of Brock. Onix says to me, you mess with me and I’ll show you how tough I am! If you haven’t heard Eric Stuart sing, take a listen. Snakes are also some of my favorite animals.

WORST ROCK TYPE

GeodudeWARNING LANGUAGE! For those of you who don’t know my favorite movie is the Big Lebowski. The fact that Geodude has fucking sturdy for an ability in combination with learning fucking self-de-fucking-struct and fucking explosion is just a crock of pure shit, man! I mean if you really wanted to bring some hurt to your fellow fucking Trainers you wouldn’t ask for a G*ddamn Shiny Mega Gengar. It’s basically the same thing with Mr. Fucking, Mime, man! It’s just a fucking rock with Arms and a clown! I mean Gigalith is more imaginative than this! To all you Genoners out there, I say this. Response to Genoners

Electric Types

The electric type I was dreading because the mascot of the show is Pikachu. Plus every generation we can expect a pikachu clone. Well I may as well nip this one in the bud.

BEST ELECTRIC POKEMON

A 5-Way tie; wtf Sam?! My list my rules! Pikachu’s the series mascot and I love the designs of all these guys. Back when the Pikablu myth was going around I was gullible enough to believe it. If I had to choose voice actors for my electric buddies, Ace Trainer Liam’s fiancee would be my Pichu, the Raichu would be Ace Trainer Liam. Plusle would be me, Minun would be my best friend who will be interviewed for MMPR very soon. Pachirisu would be the late great Robin Williams and Dedene would be Steve Carrell or Jennifer Garner

WORST Electric

Pikachu might have been Ash’s starting Pokemon but it’s Been voiced by Ikue Ootani for 20 years now. I know a lot of people see the Orange Islands as filler but guess what, so is the Battle Frontier and that’s somewhere between Kanto and Hoenn! When Ash won in the Orange Islands, he really earned his victory, Misty and Tracey were both proud of him but I really think Ash deserved a lot of credit, he earned that Trophy and he gave it to his mother! So why do I hate Emolga, more specifically it was Iris’s. Iris was kind of hypocritical of Ash all the time. If I was Cilan, I would have said to Iris, “Obviously you haven’t seen Boyhood. With Unova being based around New York, I would have loved to see a town in Unova based around downtown Seattle, the closest I think is Nimbasa City.

Poison

The Poison type to me has always been associated with Koga, Janine and Team Rocket via the anime. When I was in high school I had a teacher that influenced the way I manage my time and effort. So I’d like to dedicate the Poison type nominees to her. So to the real Jeanine, this one is for you.

BEST Poison types

Garbador is a pile of trash and I’m of the belief one person’s trash is another person’s treasure, It’s just so frustrating that a lot of people give this Pokemon flack. To me it reminds me of a sumo wrestler. Koffing and Weezing bring back memoirs of James in the anime. I thought James was the best in Unova actually and same with Jessie for that matter. But who really stood out was Brock’s Crobat. I figured that as a kid, Ash would probably watch Golbat the Animated Series. I can picture his The Golbat for lack of a better name as Kevin Conroy. His Butler would be Arthur Side kick, Pidgeotto and would go on to become Noctowl. However, I digress. Eric Stuart is my hero for voice acting,  here’s one of his better moments Brock’s Zubat

Worst Poison

MukShiny Muk: This pile of poo is the reason Poisons creep me out. The following link is in Spanish about Ash catching a Muk. For those of you who don’t speak Spanish just imagine Chris Walken’s reaction in person if you don’t know who Christopher Walken is, another one I’d do is Jay Baruchel. Ash catches Muk (Spanish)

Psychic Type

I’m always about expanding my mind and the stuff I learned in college really made me a better person

Best Psychic

GardevoirMega Gardevoir: Ok, I’m tired of the sexualized fanart I see of Gardevoir.Especially on Deviantart, but I think making the line a psychic fairy was a great way to bring the community together. It looks like its a bridesmaid, so Mazel Tov. Speaking of awesome things from Japan…

Jetman Ending

Worst Psychic Type

ExeggutorMerv Griffin, I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts. My hatred of this episode is because of the anime, not so much our heroes but the focus of the episode. Not so much Ash & Co but rather, Melvin the Magician, the main focus. Melvin sounds like A Jewish Grandmother played by Woody Allen. He was so boring even I wanted to kick him in the groin. To sum up all my feelings about Exeggutor, here’s a deleted sing from the lion king! Deleted Lion King scene

Ground Type

The Ground Type to me represents the drive people have to succeed. As Someone who’s always fought for what he believes in and always pushing yourself to make the best decision you can, here are my best and worst Ground types.

Best Ground

GolurkNo One likes code names anymore. This is something I have wanted since I was 10. The Golurk looks like a Megazord. I’m not going to delve into my politics about power rangers here, but let’s just say that I want you to listen to this song and dance to it.Boost Up Beet Buster! Catchy, no? Now imagine someone doing a cover to that English. That someone is yours truly. People who love power rangers can be quite ignorant at times. I always wanted people to appreciate the other side of the coin. Here are two more songs from the land of the rising sun. Liveman Theme and Fourze Music Video

Worst Ground Type

Shiny SandlashShiny Sandslash: Here’s one of my confessions, I used to suffer from frequent nosebleeds. It wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me, But Sandslash is actually one of my favorite Pokemon. The Gold part I’m ok with if they changed it to blue you’d have sonic but if they changed it to Green then you’d have this Annoying Overrated Motherfucker but I digress. Next type, Por Favor

Flying

As someone who grew up with Pokemon I always saw Flying as more of a sub-type rather than an offensive type. We’ll get to Fossil Pokemon in a little while but for now let’s just stick to the best and worst

Best Flying types

Every single first route flyer plus Murkrow

For those of you who lost interest in Pokemon after the first couple of generations, Pokemon is all about spreading your wings and becoming a more rounded individual. The reason I like the first route flyers is because of my experiences of traveling to Alaska and Israel. These were trips I took on my own and I met my buddy Nick Laine via the former and Jenna Lonsdale. I honestly don’t see flying as a true type but more like a subtype

WORST flying type

TornadusTornadus: OK I tried my damnedest to leave legendaries off this list but Thundurus is KINDA cool because this man in blue. The legendary genies are just some of the most disappointing legendaries next to the lake trio and even though my goal is to collect all Pokemon Via figurines I just can’r help but feel that Game Freak just falls asleep behind the desk. Sometimes they get lazy.

Bug Types

Before I start this, I want you guys to know I’m straight but this is where things might get a little raunchy. As Bugs in the real world are a mixed bag for me. Dragonflies are awesome where I don’t like bees. While Spiders are Arachnids, Satoshi Tajiri started Pokemon based off of the process of collecting bugs. My least favorite bug is the mosquito but I would love to see a bug type Pokemon based off it.

Best Bug Types:

 

Joltik, Galvantula, Ariados, Heracross and Scyther: Joltik, Galvantula and Ariados are all based around spiders and I love spiders. They help prevent the insects that wreak havoc. Spiders are some of the most unique creatures in the animal kingdom and their Pokemon counterparts are no exception. The mythos surrounding these three is unrivaled and while I have never played Black and White the fact you can find these guys in chargestone cave is very interesting. Plus Joltik is the same size as an actual spider. So why no Spinirak? A lot of it has to do with aesthetic design, green might be one of my favorite colors but they shade of green. Shiny Spinarak is much cooler. Scyther is based off a praying mantis. Of course, why can’t it fly? So why do I prefer Scyther over Scizor? Scyther is much more intimidating. As for Heracross, as most of you who read my blog know, know that I grew up with power rangers, however they’re not the only thing to come out of Saban. In fact when somebody brings heracross to my attention my mind goes to these Beetleborgs. Plus Ash’s Heracross is a freaking drug addict and I love his interactions with his Bulbasaur

Worst Bug type:

Pinsir and Yanmega: Reasons for Pinsir: IT HAS A VAGINA FOR A MOUTH! With that comment out of the way let’s get this out of the way. I want to reiterate I am not gay, but Pinsir’s design grossed me out at 9 and it certainly hasn’t gotten much better since. Plus when you have it mega evolve it just adds further salt to the wound. Pinsir is nightmare fuel for me. I can handle it. As for Yanmega, Gamefreak wtf? You had so much potential for a Bug/Dragon. It should be a Bug/Dragon. Don’t get the wrong idea, I love the design, I love that it’s based off a dragonfly but its typing, Damn you, Gamefreak!

Ghost

Ghost, Dark and Steel are tied for number one when favorite types. So for the best of Ghost I’m going to say all save for two. I just love the mythos surrounding them.

Worst Ghost Type

Rotom and Sableye: While I have no problems with Pokemon being based off inanimate objects and having alternate forms Rotom takes the cake for most forms. I think a lot of people give Unown shit for being a gimmick but I think Rotom is far worse. When I was in Israel, I met a young woman who drew Unown as Hebrew letters. To me Unown is actually cool because of that experience. Rotom is nothing more than a nuisance. To sum up Inanimate Object

As for Sableye, it’s stitch! Lilo and Stitch is one of my favorite Disney Movies. According to Jwitz, Sableye is based off the Hopkinsville Goblin but all I see is stitch! Plus its debut in the anime didn’t help it either. The good news is, you guys should know Hoenn is my favorite region but I don’t TRULY hate these Pokemon. There are very few Pokemon I actually hate.

Fighting Type

If someone asked me to pick my least favorite type, it would probably fighting. This is because most of them look to humanoid. Hitmonlee has eyeliner for g-d’s sake. So picking a favorite is going to be tricky but here goes

Favorites:

CroagunkCroagunk: Croagunk is based off an Amazon Tree Frog. Amazon Tree Frogs are some of my favorite animals. In the anime, Brock’s Croagunk was always fun to watch especially when he would flirt. Croagunk is so cute it actually is ugly. Coming from my family, that’s a huge compliment. Plus it’s just so derpy I love it! Out of the Originals my favorite is Primeape and when we got Hawlucha this was playing in my head Ode to Joy not only did we have a fighting flying but it was awesome. Like Ace Trainer Liam, I am not a big fan of clothing on Pokemon. It’s one thing if it has something small like gloves but speaking of Pokemon with clothing…

Least Favorite Fighting Type

Throh and SawkThroh and Sawk: Bravo GameFreak. These are really lazy. I think somebody just said, let’s just make martial artists and turn them into Pokemon. Throh and Sawk are so bland it’s not even funny. Sorry Game Freak, Unova might have given us some cool ones like Sawsbuck but this just doesn’t work.

Ice Types

The Ice Type is always so interesting to me. Because I grew up with the original 151, I don’t really think much about the Ice Type. But I do like some of them.

Best Ice Type:

PiloswineIt’s just so derpy! I love how Piloswine is just a giant shaggy pig. It’s just so funny looking. It’s too funny looking and every time I see one I just want to hug it. It’s so hairy. I love it. Every time I see one I wish they were real because I just want to pick Piloswine up and give it a hug!

Worst Ice Types

JynxJynx: IT’S NIKKI MINAJ’S MOM!!! I never saw Jynx as racist, I just find it creepy. Changing its skin to purple didn’t do game freak any favors. It’s just a lazy design and it’s just disturbing. Plus I think the Ice typing was added just at the last minute..

AvaluggAvalugg: Gamefreak, Wtf?! A bed or a table. I like Voltorb and Electrode because they’re fast and hit hard. But Avalugg? Come on! I get sleepy just looking at this thing. Come on Game freak do better!

Dragon Type

As a lover of dragons in real life, I can’t help but think of the how to train your dragon series. Where’s Hiccup when ya need him?

Best Dragons

Hydreigon and Dragonite: Hydreigon is based off of the Hydra of Greek Mythology. Which is why I love it it’s just so intimidating and tough. I know Ghestis has one on his team and this thing is actually pretty damn scary. In looking at Gen V pokemon I actually find some I enjoy. I don’t plan on going through every pokemon and saying what I think about it but if I did, Gen V and VI would certainly need more thorough thoughts. So why do I also love Dragonite? Dragonite is a great example of simple and effective. Plus it’s so cute and happy. Its Pokedex entries state that it’s one of the smartest Pokemon next to Alakazam. Plus it’s one of the few Bipedal Pokemon taller than me. I’m 6′ 2″ and Dragonite according to the Pokedex is 7′ 3″. ALthough I doubt I could fly on one though

Worst Dragons

SalamenceSalamence: Ok the reason I hate Salamence is because it looks too much like a stereotypical dragon. In that sense it’s boring. Although Druddigon came close to making it, I remembered how Salamence was too much like an actual dragon.I always felt like Salamence and Druddigon were cop outs and looked much more like digimon than Pokemon. They aren’t bad, just not very interesting

Steel Type

Steel is one of my favorite types because there’s a certain oomph to them I can’t describe. Maybe because my favorite color is Jerusalem Silver.Nelson will be interviewing me about my experiences about my trip but I digress. The steel type just has a magestic feeling to it that makes me feel like a knight.

Best Steel Types

 

Skarmory and the Aegislash line: I always like to think that the Bird Keepers you encounter in the games are Jetman Fanboys. As a Seattlite I like to Imagine that the different feathers of bird types could have come in handy during Native American rituals. When I see a Skarmory I always think of Steven’s.The Pokedex talks about using Skarmory feathers to make knives. As a chef, I want a set of those. As for the Aegislash line, I can’t help but feel like its a version of soul edge  However as a good guy I wield soul calibur, but I love the shiny version of these guys. The Aegislash line is something I have wanted to see in Pokemon for a long time

Worst Steel Types

Magneton and The Klingklang line: Gamefreak, what the bloody hell? You seem to think that in Gen I if you want to do a cool Pokemon, all you need to do is add a few more and it’s all hunky dory. That’s the same problem with the Klingklang line. Now don’t get the wrong Idea with the former, Magnemite and Magnezone I think are pretty cool. Sparks fly from magnemite is actually one of my favorite Kanto league episodes. If the anime ever gets a live action treatment like Disney is doing with their early movies, I nominate Christopher Walken to play professor Oak #walkenoak.

Dark Types

In Japanese, the Dark type is known as the Evil type. Which is not really fair. Umbreon is kind of like a black lab. That fucking sucks. That’s probably why there hasn’t been a dark type gym leader. They don’t want to be seen as Gothic or Emo. If I was a gym leader I’d probably have my pitch be: The funny brain of mystery. The mythos behind any Pokedex is always interesting to read because you have Awesomne PokeTubers like Ace Trainer Liam, Jethrotex and Matthew Azevedo. Unfortunately you also have guys like Munching Orange.Anyhow As a dark type lover here are my best and worst and in honor of Deadpool, I’m going to start with the worst

BisharpBisharp: Holy shit it’s a power ranger! Ok, that’s the last power rangers joke, I promise. While I have no problem with the type combination, it’s the design that bothers me. It just looks like Edward Scissorhands as a power ranger. The Unova mons need some love too but often get a bad rap. There are some I really enjoy. I’ll cover the Kalos league anime later, I have a busy life. So when I post these please bear with me.

Best

Absol, Spirittomb and the Houndoom line: I want to start off by disclosing to you readers that I have a few disabilities and like Tamashi Hiroka I have anxiety although mine fluctuates differently than hers, mine is if you say the wrong thing I start to get annoyed and eventually will lead to me getting angry. Absol is based off the Bai Xe, A Chinese demon. As a Jewish liberal I say let me have one so I can blast all my naysayers to Uranus! As for its digivolution, I mean Mega Evolution It turns emo. Game freak, why not make it Dark/Fairy. You released a new type in 2013, UTILIZE IT!!! Sorry to shout but good g-d!

Spiritomb is the Pokemon I’d want to be if I could be reincarnated into a Pokemon. I’d want to scare the crap out of people. Nah! Before Fairy type was introduced, this thing was untouchable. Then Arceus decided to introduce Fairy type and said screw you. Spiritomb is one of those Pokemon that doesn’t take crap from anyone and neither do I.

If you read my top 10 Pokemon I never want to run into Houndoom was #2. This is mainly due to the fact that I love Dog based pokemon, er well most of them. Houndoom is the depiction of hell itself. For those of you wondering, yes I do believe in Heaven and Hell but let’s not mix Pokemon and Religion, ok? The Houndoom line is my ideal Pokemon because it reminded me of my dog if you got on his bad side. What? Houndour is taller than my dog you say? Time for a throwdown!

And finally… Fairy

The Fairy Type to me is a misname. A fairy is a derogatory term for a gay man. Even though I’m an ally I was a part of a comedy troupe for 2 years. I think calling it the Light Type instead. I believe the reason they were introduced was as fairy was to nerf and pwn dragons. Anyhow let’s start with the best:

Clefable, Wigglytuff and the Togepi line:

Ok, call me girly man if you want to but these guys come to mind when I think of fairies. However I think that. Cleffa and Clefairy should have remained Normal because both Wigglytuff and Clefable evolve via stone it makes the experience you have all the more rewarding. Both Clefable and Wigglytuff need a signature move. Granted Clefable has Metronome but Wigglytuff needs a move similar to Perish Song or an ability that prevents it from fainting due to Parish Song.Just a thought.

The Togekiss line is one of the greatest lines because of Misty. Misty’s goodbye shorty after Togepi evolved into Togetic was just as heartbreaking as Ash’s Butterfree. Misty got the first pokemon that felt like hers before her sisters could get their hands on it. As someone who has issues with people that goodbye was just as heartbreaking if not more so than Ash’s.

Worst Fairy Type:

GranbullGranbull is a bipedal Bulldog. Out of all the dog breeds out there, While they’re said to be sweet and gentle, I just for the life of my don’t like them. I love the snubbull that followed Ash in his Johto journey and that’s what made it for me. Will it ever make a cameo in Ash’s Sun and Moon journey? Who knows. I know they retired the Jigglypuff. Anyway, Granbull is so ugly it’s horrendous.

And that concludes my favorites for each type. Well for now anyway, my next blog isn’t going to be about anime, toku, but I have a top 10 coming to do with LGBTQ and one with Autism and Asperger’s but my most recent will be a very big topic that I need to address with you. What might that be? Keep on reading dear readers to find out!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday Pokemon

The Best and Worst Pokemon Movies

Pokemon Movies have been hit and miss. Some have been Good, Some have been terrible and others have been just OK. Today we’re here to look at the best and the worst. Please note I’m only going by the dub so I will do subbed movies later.

THE BEST

First off before we get started, I do have some honorable mentions

LucarioLucario and the Mystery of Mew is truly a swan song for the original cast. I had a fun time watching it and I really think Veronica Taylor, Eric Stuart and everyone gave it their all.

Jirachi Wish MakerJirachi Wish Maker is good because the focus for once isn’t on Ash this time around. It’s nice to see that.

5. Pm2kSure this movie features Ash saving the world from a plot but you know what, it’s fun. Plus Lugia is good

4. Kyurem and the Sword of JusticeKyurem and the Sword of Justice is a great coming of age story. Once again Ash isn’t the focus, Keldeo is. At a time when Pokemon was at its darkest hour this movie broke barriers and got me excited

3. DarkraiWhat?! Darkrai’s not number 1? Well hear me out. This is my list. Sure this movie is good but it’s insanely popular and while I liked it and give it the bronze on this list, it’s just not my favorite. I hate how Dialga sounds like that lizard creature from the prequels.

2. 4EverAllow me to tell you guys a little story. Let’s rewind the clock to February 2014. The Seahawks have just won the superbowl. I’m a senior in college on my way to work. I’m stuck in traffic, due to taking the bus. I don’t think I’m going to make it to work. What’s worse I need to find a bathroom. I ended up a mess and had to go home. There was no way I was going to make it to work. I am desperately upset so I pop in the 4th Pokemon movie and all my worries go away.

  1. ArceusArceus and the Jewel of life is the first Pokemon movie that felt like an actual movie. Sure there are flaws and the Jewel of Life is a McGuffin but you know what, I had fun with this one and wouldn’t mind owning it.

Now that we’ve talked about the good ones let’s get to the fun half, the bad ones

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS

Pokemon Movie 3The Fan base seems to like this one but I really can’t stand it. I know a lot of people like it but honestly it’s just forgettable to me

HeroesHonestly I saw the twist ending from the beginning of the movie. Plus the animation isn’t pleasant

DiancieDear g-d they’re not even trying anymore! It’s like it was written by a 6 year old. Ok I know Pokemon’s target audience is kids but still, show at least some dignity for the older viewers

5. Pokemon RangerI used to really like this movie. But the more I watched it the more I realized it’s just a commercial for the ranger games plus it’s a 2 hour movie. F***!

4. #1I can feel the hate already but hear me out. I saw this movie when I was 9. I watched it again as an adult and I found one thing that really pissed me off. The fact that they made it all to be a dream. How Lazy is that?!

3. GiratinaThis Movie had one job and that is to not suck. It failed at that. I’m sorry but Shaymin is a brat. The Villain is forgettable and I’m tired of Villains who are the sidekick who want revenge!

2. Genesect novieWhy does Ash act like he’s never seen Mewtwo? Oh right this is a different Mewrwo! I get it… UGH!

  1. ZoroarkDamn this movie. You had one job. Make a smooth transition to Gen V. This movie is a smack in the face and deserves much worse than an F.

And there you have it… My Best and Worst Pokemon. Now if you’ll excuse me I gotta catch em all!

 

 

 

The Best and Worst Pokemon Movies

Intro to Pros and Cons and Hopes for Gen VII

Welcome to my pros and cons for each Generation. Since I did most of the Pokemon anime, I will do the pros and cons for each Generation. But today I will focus on my hopes for Generation VII. I will conclude with Gen VI but with that here are my hopes for Gen VII

Let the Pokemon follow you: In Yellow and Heart Gold and Soul Silver, we let our Pikachu and lead Pokemon follow us respectively. This small feature was so small but it brought it closer to our Pokemon. Please Game freak, continue this trend!

More Evolution: Not Mega but regular evolution of older Pokemon. That would be handy. I do want Megas too but I think that it would breathe life into old Pokemon.

Aggressive Rival: I’m getting tired of the Rival character being your friend. When you beat them in Gen I and II you felt a sense of accomplishment. Please, bring that back. I hate the rival being a weenie. “Oh you won! I guess I’ll try harder.” None of that shit.

Revisit older regions. We haven’t been able to visit a past region since Johto. It would be nice to see that again.

I’d list more but I don’t want to ramble for too long. See you guys next time!

Intro to Pros and Cons and Hopes for Gen VII

Top 10 Pokemon I wouldn’t want to run into in a dark alley

With Halloween being two weeks away, I thought I might give you guys a look at some Pokemon that I’d hate to bump into a dark alley. Get ready for some frightening fun…

10. Ursaring: UrsaringNow if I had a 6 foot tall bear staring at me I would know shit is about to hit the fan. I’m 6′ 2″ and with Ursaring being about as tall as me I know that one Hyper Beam or Focus Blast could send me to the hospital!

9. Electrode: ElectrodeIf you have ever played Pokemon Snap or watched an episode of the anime, you know that the slightest touch of these guys will set them to explode.It makes you wonder how they ever get caught! but as I wrote about in blind as a bat, maybe causing one to explode would lead to blindness

8. Primeape: PrimeapeNow I’m not scared of Monkeys at all but a pig monkey with a temper, Shit is going to hit the fan if you make this guy angry. The last thing I want is to beaten up in the dead of night.

7. Muk: MukNow I what you’re thinking; Sam, Muk’s just a pile of shit! Well consider the following friends, Do you want a pile of poisonous shit, globbing over you until you die? In the anime, Ash’s Muk was hilarious and I know the joke. But let’s be mature here! If Muk is caught the wrong way you could be 6 feet under!

6. Weavile: WeavileWeavile is one fast and deadly . Plus do you want to be frozen solid? Let’s just be glad that Pokemon aren’t real because it would screw you over.

5. Scyther: ScytherNothing like a giant praying mantis staring you in the face before you reach your end. Ironically Scyther is one of my favorite Pokemon but I don’t want it staring me in the face at night.

4. Victrebel: VictrebelDo I need to say more than this image?

3. Spinirak: SpinarakI don’t like spiders, I used to be afraid of them but now not so much. Now I just don’t like them. Considering Spinarak is based off a spider, It’s a little hard to stomach

2. Mr. Mime: I hate and am afraid of clowns and while Mr. Mime is generally helpful to humans, I hate clowns. I hate em! Therefore Mr. Mime is #2 but what’s #1

And the Pokemon I’d never want to run into a dark alley is….

HoundoomHoundoom! Now I’m not religious but what’s Houndoom based off of? A hell hound. Houndoom may be one of my favorite Pokemon but being based off the very personification of hell? Kudos game freak. Quite an impressive feat you got there. For those who don’t know, I love dogs but seeing this as the last thing, I’d know I’d be doing something wrong

This has been Sam from Sam’s thoughts and now you know what’s up!

Top 10 Pokemon I wouldn’t want to run into in a dark alley

Pokemon Unova League Review

Welcome to My coverage of Unova! This will be the last league coverage for a while. As with all my reviews I give A fair spoiler warning. Read at your own risk! Also choice words are said so please, if you’re sensitive to swearing you might not want to read this. The Unova Saga was a mixed bag for me as a watcher. On the one hand we had a slew of new Pokemon we had never seen before. On the downside, most were homages to Pokemon we were familiar with. Aside from the traditions. Ash gets two new traveling companions. Iris IrisA dragon master in training and Cilan CilanA Pokemon Connoisseur. One of the down sides is everyone has their own rivals. Ash has Trip TripHe’s nowhere near as memorable as Paul or Gary and Ash only beats him once. Iris has Georgia GeorgiaShe calls herself a Dragon buster. A dragon buster is someone hell bent on taking down Dragon type trainers like Iris. Finally we have this little shit stain. BurgundyBurgundy is a bipolar French speaking C class Connoisseur. She pretends to be all high and mighty because she can speak French but she can’t. Honestly she just comes across as annoying. So as we progress further we’re introduced to cunt I mean fuckhead I mean Bitch I meanBianca  Bianca. G-d! I fucking hate Bianca. Why do I hate Bianca? Well every time she’s introduced she always rams Ash into nearby water. On top of that she’s a terrible strategist not to mention flighty. The best part is in the first half of this season when team Rocket actually acts like Villains. True they never capture Pikachu but they get shit done. But yeah, Ash gets his badges makes it into Top 8. Series over right? Wrong! They continue on for a bit and then drop Ash off and turn Team Rocket back to catch Pikachu every episode. Because this season wasn’t g-d awful nor was it good. I’m going to give it a 2 out of 4. They could have done so much more. But did they really need to cram in all these extra characters? So now that I have done all the leagues save Kalos, what’s next? How about Pokemon the Origin and Pokemon Chronicles. This is Sam from Sam’s thoughts. We’ll be tackling Pokemon the Origin next. Now you know what’s up!

Pokemon Unova League Review

Pokemon Zoroark Master of Illusion review

ZoroarkSo Pokemon Zoroark master of Illusions is the latest Pokemon Movie I have to review. Was I disappointed, yes I was! In this one a loose Zoroark escapes from Kodai, A man who can see the future. Is this movie better than Pokemon Heroes? yes. But as such it’s really not the movie I had hoped to see. But I’m not fully disappointed. There’s a lot of interesting scenes and it does explain a lot of things. But as such this is one entry that I would skip. I’m going to give this movie a C. It could have been better but they did try.

Pokemon Zoroark Master of Illusion review